To plagiarise Martin Luther King -- "I have a dream"

Am sitting here reading some garbage about Uncle Gordon’s speech to the CBI where ‘he is taking the "long-term" decisions needed so Britain can meet future challenges’

Should one be cynical, one would consider this to mean that he is procrastinating yet again and deferring any decisions until he recruits a plethora of pencil neck civil servants with a cumulative IQ similar to that of the lemming.

An educated guess would suggest it will provide a positive report just in time for the next statutory general election deadline (lets face it wee Gordon didn’t have the Cojones (Cahoneys) to call an election a few weeks ago as he lost quite a few polling points within a week – ‘Wee hint here, better losing polling points than 40% of the populations personal details’)

An no doubt this report will provide a long term strategy (aka procrastination) just to buy him time to wreak another 5 years of lies and bull to this once great nation.

Then he can do another DEFRA, and pay out £300M of redundancies to the useless bunch of pencil necks in redundancy and pension entitlements.

Mind you, It will be interesting to know whether by then his fellow Scots will have successfully followed their strategy for seceding from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. [editors note……. For the English people who went to comprehensive schools, Seceding is defined as “To withdraw formally from membership in political alliance”]

Even worse, Wales may follow suit, and then given the demographics of the Tory hinterland, there may never ever be another Labour government in our “Green and Pleasant Land”.. Bet you David “I’m yer man” Cameron is getting aroused at this thought as he will effectively have a job for the rest of his two-faced life.

But I have an escape route for uncle Gordon. Two Jags or should that read “Two Shags” unsuccessfully attempted in his bureaucratic time to push the idea of clustering England into differing economic areas, where Labour could gerrymander the right to follow wee Tony’s cronyism policies. He failed, well rather he didn’t fail, the taxpayer footed the bill for his meanderings.

What this country needs is a dictatorship. I have the perfect candidate. Pervez Musharraf.

1. He is acceptable to George Dubya in the ineptly named “War on Terror”
2. He does have Cojones (Cahoneys).
3. He just resigned from his job as chief of the army of a country whose military personnel don’t gripe because they don’t get quilted Andrex toilet paper supplied to them free of charge. And best of all he is a muslim who speaks excellent English (much better than those from a comprehensive education background)
4. He would happily gaol (jail) those politicians who are good at their careers… Yes you guessed it, those ones who lie every time they open their mouths.

a) Ohhhh… I thought the 600k donation was legitimate

b) My husband and I split up, just before the police questioned him about accepting bribes from the Italian PM, yet a few months later he sneaked out of my flat in the morning after calling in to borrow a cup of Daz to whitewash him

c) Its just pure coincidence that Mr X got a knighthood, but I waited until his cheque cleared

d) Its just a pity that Bill Clinton wasn’t an English MP, or the top quote would be “I did not have sex with that woman”

So, there you go, perfect solution, Uncle Pervez as numero uno, and for a bit of sport put Nick Griffin from the BNP in as the official opposition. Think of the fringe benefits. Instead of watching crap reality shows, and telly competitions specifically made for the masses such as “I’m wanting to be a Celebrity, but I hate it here, but willing to prostitute myself for the publicity”, we could have live broadcasts of “Dictators question time from Westminster”

Instead of questions fired across the “Floor of the House”, it would be lead bullets. I’m heading out now to get my supply of microwaveable popcorn, as it would be compulsive viewing. I wonder what odds Ladbrokes would offer on deaths/ injury at each of these events.

Even better, I’d ask the Northern Ireland representatives to join in on the act and make it a tripartite battle. After all, there a quite a few unemployed hitmen from across the water who could get their ten minutes of fame with a National TV audience, and not have to go to Australia to lick rodents anuses, and eat live maggots in the pursuit of infamy.

But I’ve forgotten an even bigger battle. Sky and Virgin would be at loggerheads over the rights to broadcast. ITV wouldn’t have a look in, as lets face it, all protagonists would quite happily ship Ant and Dec to Guantanemo for a new TV series called “40 lashes or hanging - take your pick” (or should that be prick)